Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Final Thousand

Outfit Details

Tee - Target
Hinge Tuxedo-style Jacket - Anthropologie
Pencil Skirt - Anthropologie
Tights - American Apparel
Leifsdottir Heels - Anthropologie


I can't seem to stay away from those heels. They call to me, and say "Please. Wear me in yet another outfit. It might be redundant and repetitive - but please."

Lady GaGa and I - we're on the same wavelength with these.

Wrapping up the final thousands to my novel for NaNoWriMo was so much fun, mostly due to the fabulous writing party I attended with some friends, including one Miss Shay of What The Mirror Saw.

Here's yet another excerpt of what I've been furiously typing up.

Below the cut, you can enjoy "The One Where You Can Learn How To Be Like Me (Or Avoid It)"

There are certain characteristics that commonly get attributed to me. If you so desire to develop them in your own person, I have outlined them below.

First, you should develop a certain nervous and anxious disposition. If you can jump to conclusions, do so. Immediately. Think of yourself as Anxiety Girl – able to leap to the worst possible outcome in a single bound. Look around your person often and make sweeping three hundred and sixty degree turns around to observe your surroundings. Pacing is to be your favorite past time: you should not feel satisfied with yourself until you’ve managed to make a racetrack in your carpeting. 

Second, you should cultivate only the highest, cultured tastes. When you choose a television program, you should make sure to tune into any incarnation of The Real Housewives – whether you choose New Jersey, New York, or Orange County, makes little difference – just watch them. Similarly, when you choose a movie for your viewing pleasure, make sure to pick something really artistic – preferably indie. If you have yet to watch The Tree of Life, you should do so immediately, and make comments about the brilliant atmospheric shots of jellyfish and dinosaurs and how they distinctly relate to family life of the movies era. Sean Penn might not have had any idea what in the world he was doing in that movie, but you sure do. The same idea applies to literature. When you decide on a book to place artfully on your coffee table, but never actually read – you need to choose wisely. You should probably procure a copy of Jane Eyre, or Wuthering Heights and whenever someone asks what you thought of it, you should mention how brilliant you thought it was. You should comment on the character development, without ever mentioning the characters by name. You should comment on the expertly crafted metaphors and imagery, without ever once naming an example of the devices. You should, and this is most important, talk about the themes that run through the novels, without ever actually fleshing out what the themes are. Essentially, if you can spark note it, you’re good.

Third, you should eat. A lot. In fact, you should almost always have some kind of food stuff in your mouth. Snacking is your favorite hobby. You own every brand of mustard. You know the taste of every chip ever made, but your favorite is Salt and Vinegar. You live to eat, while others merely eat to live.

Fourth, you should never drive. This is for your own safety as well as others. It would be terrible to see you drive off the side of the road. Not because anything actually horrible happened, but because you were frightened by the oncoming traffic and had to pull over just to calm down and stop screaming “Oh God! Oh God! It’s coming into my lane!” You should be an excellent passenger. When you ride with a terrible driver, you should fail to notice. You should convince yourself that it’s okay, because really, those numbers are just speed suggestions, not limits.

Fifth, you should fill your brain with a lot of useless knowledge. It’s important to remember the capital of Madagascar. And the blood type of James Joyce. These types of tidbits are absolutely essential. Practical information like street names, phone numbers, and basic arithmetic is generally useless and should be immediately disposed of. Empty your mind of things like the alphabet and replace it instead with the names of all the stars so far discovered. And while you’re at it, learn the names of all the stars in Hollywood, from the A list to the bottom feeders waiting tables and hoping for a breakthrough role. And the best possible type of useless information you should make a point to develop is anything related to George Clooney – his life history, his favorite color, and anything he’s ever done. Ever. 

If you can master all of those things, and that’s a big if, you can become like me. It’s a rather wonderful existence, so I can’t blame you for trying. Even if you’ll probably fail. And if you fail…well, when you fail, just feel better knowing that you’re in good company. Oprah couldn’t do it either.

No comments:

Post a Comment